Life is still. Family had come over to celebrate my parents’ 25th Wedding Anniversary and their trip was coming to an end. To end it came but with a surprise, rather a shock I should say. Just when I thought too many a things were going on for me at the moment, someone pressed the pause button, without my consent. Everyone’s life is going on and mine is here at a standstill. I just see hours turn into days, days turn into weeks and finally weeks turn into month. I had almost come to terms with the fast and furious life of Mumbai when suddenly everything went blank. It’s slightly more than a week gone by but I’m still trying to accept it, but unable to. As I type this single-handedly, my other hand sits idly in my lap, feeling helpless. This feeling of helplessness is now slowly getting into my head from my hand.
After initials buckets of water lashed out, I now continue to smile, because obviously I can’t cry forever. They say that’s a spirit one should keep always. But deep down inside. it starting to get on my nerves, this stillness of life. From the window of my room I see people running to office every morning. Irony is, no matter how much hate my work, I’m still beginning to miss that rhythm of my life. I stare at the calendar in my room and just count the days. Only six days have been struck yet and it already feels like a month.
People say you will get used to it very soon and the time will fly. I wonder how soon that soon will be, I can’t see that coming anytime soon though. The moment I see myself in the mirror, tear warn me to fill my eyes and I avert my gaze from my helplessness. Oh Gosh, I make it sound so grim. No, It’s not that serious but all I can see the future plans vanish in a blink. I’m still unable to believe it. Just one thing is resonating in my mind that my dad always used to say to me, Man proposes, God disposes. Quite fitting in my case. No matter how much I try to let my spirit fly at this moment too, it refuses to do so. There is this dullness taking over and I seem unable to shirk it off.
I have been given enough ideas to perk-up my sudden so-called vacation. So enough sadness for one post, let me now concentrate on the good to enlighten my dark mood. To start off, I can strike the books off my TBR List and actually read them now. I can delete some movies from Hard drive after actually watching them. I can catch up with all the series I had left mid-way. I can enjoy home food. I can enjoy being a kid again, being pampered at the slightest hint of a demand.
But on the serious note, I can use this given time to sort out the thoughts and emerge with a plan to plunge into as and when I free myself from this sling. I can try to write, and write a lot since I, now, should not suffer from any distraction except the one offered by my persistent thoughts. Yes, I can possibly write myself to glory in these days. Yeah, it all sounds so honky-dory but trust me it isn’t, irrespective of my efforts to make it fun.
But I can’t reject this either that this has suddenly changed my perspective about life. I’m beginning to appreciate it better. Life, as they is unpredictable. You plan and plan and plan… and then suddenly wooosh!!! All your plans go hay-wire, like mine did! And till the moment you realize how bad life screwed you with just a small event, that can be possibly life-changing too. Yes, I’m hit with this very realization these days, the uncertainty of our life, of our very existence. So, as I count the aftereffects of it on my life plans and counter count the “good” things coming with it, I do one more thing. I take a decision. I decide that I won’t plan the far future, I’ll plan near future instead and execute it. I won’t plan Tomorrows, because they might not happen, but I will plan Today, because it’s what I have now.
P.S: I thought a lot about writing this post, then I thought a lot before hitting the Publish button, but then against the nagging thoughts I decided to do it. Why? Thinking that may be it’ll help me a little in some way. Or someone else, may be.
P.P.S: I have injured myself with minor Radial Head Fracture in my left arm, rest for five weeks. (I know not a big thing but pretty big issue for me)
Have you been ever stuck in life feeling helpless about it? How did you cope with that feeling?
Linking this to #MondayMusings @ Everyday Gyaan